An Outsider to Space
A few weeks ago I attended an event for professionals in the NYC space sector. The event prided itself on being inclusive and welcoming any “outsiders,” as they called them, into the space. From my understanding, these outsiders were those without a formal education in astrophysics or anyone who traditionally wouldn’t be expected to be in the space sector….anyone more creative…anyone like me. As much as the mantra of this event was all about expanding the space sector’s presence by including as many different kinds of people as possible, it somehow stratified the attendees, dividing us by either insiders or outsiders. And once that idea was placed into the room, no matter the intention, there was a certain energy that stuck. I felt welcomed there, but also like I had to be welcomed, instead of just being able to be there and be a welcomer to those around me. I had to bathe in my being an outsider; and in this space, it was all that I could be defined as. This one aspect of the event, despite it contradicting everything that was being said, haunted the entirety of it. Everyone was looking around at everyone else wondering and deciding which category they fell into; and then, everyone was uneasy.
This culminated for me when I was a part of a small roundtable discussion. We were prompted to go around the room and introduce ourselves. Evidently, everyone chose to introduce themselves as either an insider or an outsider, almost as if it were more relevant than their name. As it became closer to time for me to introduce myself, I felt my heart begin to pound, my hands begin to shake. I felt an uncontrollable kind of anxiety take over. Then, I judged myself profoundly. Why was I getting so nervous to introduce myself? This was just an introduction in a small group, what was my problem?
As my colleague confidently introduced herself next to me, an insider having received her bachelor’s degree in astrophysics, I felt the pressure amount within me. How could I present myself besides admitting what an outsider I was? And so, I surrendered and awkwardly laughed about how I was a creative, and therefore an outsider, and I was happy and lucky to be “so welcomed” into this space. My takeaway immediately after this event was what was wrong with me? Why did I get so nervous? Why was I shaking to simply say my name? I didn’t feel like myself.
Yesterday, I talked to my therapist about this, questioning why I got so overcome with anxiety at that moment and how I could avoid it. I also explained how a few days after this event I shot a commercial where I was interviewed for 30 minutes on record in front of 40 or so people, and I had never felt more confident, despite being extremely unprepared. I didn’t understand how in one setting I could be tripping over my own name and in the other, I felt like an empowering public speaker. My therapist asked me to go back and think about the energy in those two rooms, and what was different about the people around me.
The energy in that round table discussion was intense and competitive, full of insiders who wanted to share their resumes with the group and outsiders who felt like outsiders. The commercial was light and fun and everyone there had a defined role, whether they were the camera woman or the makeup artist, and they were empowered in doing their role.
I had never thought about how much other people’s energies can affect your own, especially when it comes to anxiety. Anxiety feels so internal, like it’s just you and yourself battling against each other, that I would never have anticipated the role of others’ anxieties in perpetuating that. The anxiety and unease at the space sector event was floating across the table, and the outsides were vulnerable and absorbed all of it. Introducing myself isn’t something that would make me so overcome in most other settings, but when I am embodying the tension of the entire room, of course it would. During the commercial, there was a sense of security from everyone in the room that enabled me to feel the same. By each having such a defined role, there was pure inclusion and confidence. Nobody had to be welcomed in from the outside because everyone there felt like an insider, like they belonged in that space, including myself.
Once I talked through this dynamic, everything made way more sense to me. Every room you walk into and every new dynamic you enter, these factors will always be at play. Who is the outsider who has to soak up all the anxiety and discomfort? How can I avoid entering spaces where anyone is an outsider? Is it inevitable in some cases? Or is it all just a mindset?
There are so many settings that I will enter as some kind of outsider, where I will feel some sort of imposter syndrome, but I think a certain mindset can combat this. I let the narrative around this event derail me and define me. If I enter each space just accepting every aspect of myself in that space, I, too, can always be a welcomer. A welcomer of getting to know me and meeting me, because I am who I am, and I am bringing what I can bring into that space. I enter every space I enter for a reason, and I can only be who I am within that space. Thinking about how to shift my mindset so that I am not so easily penetrationable to the energies and anxieties around me has a lot to do with eliminating the constant thoughts about how I am perceived in the space and just perceiving the space for myself. I have the ability to always be a welcomer.